CONTRACT NEWS OF THE FUTURE
24 JULY 2017
In yet another advance for creatives planet-wide, after years of ‘New Media’ study, the AMPTP announced their last, best, final ultimatum to the Creatives Guilds Alliance. The CGA, composed of reps from the WGA, SAG, IASTE, DGA and AFTRA, were gifted at the confab with a 55 gallon drum of Kentucky jelly, to be liberally shared among the members.
With the contract due to run out on 31 July 2017, AMPTP spokesdevil Santa Spawn commented, "This is a back-breaking opportunity for these unworthy creatives. In the darkness of our hearts we have decided to give up our claims on all of their children, only demanding their first-born. Further, we will now increase their already bountiful rations to include bread with the recycled sewer water we now provide them.
Asked for comments, at their idyllic island retreat on Alcatraz, a lone dissenter demanded to ask a question. He was immediately shot and run through the Ferti-Loamer machine.
When questioned, Santa Spawn admitted the incident, "It’s sad, but we must keep the creatives isolated from society, rather than chance that they infect the loyal, orderly, working drones. After all, once they reach 27, 28 years old, they’re over the hill and really only good for plant food. A bit acidic though, I might add."
A creatives bystander, shook his head and remarked, "He knew better, they told us they would review the New Media provisions back in 2008. Don’t people realize this stuff takes time?"
Santa Spawn smiled and slapped him on the back, "Sheeply, you’re great! We’re still working on that DVD formula from back in the ‘80s and hope to have it figured out by the next contract."
Rumors that Santa Spawn danced off singing "My North Pole Is Gonna Be In Your South Hole" could not be confirmed.