YOU WANNA BE IN MOVIES, PART NINE

Everything was set, actors were in their places. The train moved a few minutes later, went down the tracks and stopped. We sat there, then went forward again. Stopped. We backed up to the station, went forward again, stopped.

During this time, I'm watching the camera crews outside, setting up cameras, moving them around, adjusting for angles. Virginia asking me questions the whole time. I explain to her that you can set up, think that it'll be a good angle, then find out that something affects the shot. So, you move the camera, get set up and try again. This was interesting, for about the first three times. After we had been up and down the same stretch of railroad tracks about a dozen times, she was getting bored with it all.

We took to looking for unusual landmarks, strange scenery, you know, stuff that's never going to be seen if you only go past it one time. Crew pissing against trees in the woods, stuff like that. It was very convenient, they fed us, put us on this train, then we find out that the toilets don't work. OK, it wasn't that they didn't work. They had been removed. Which tends to keep people from using them. As you might guess, this upset the ladies more than the gents. We just took to the woods. Still have to be careful, the city boys didn't know about the funny leaves. Which can give you a nice rash in a tender area. You have to be careful when going splishy-splashy on the side of that tree. It might get its revenge in a couple of days. Poison oak and poison ivy love to break out all over. Don't itch that rash, use a scrub brush on it! Hey, you didn’t really wipe with that leaf, did you? Your girlfriend is going to hate you.

After they had shot some exteriors, we were allowed to take a break and gnaw on some snacks. Which was nice of them, since it was only about 1PM. Yes, I know that it would only be 10AM in Hollywood, but lunchtime is lunchtime. Here, we call it ’dinner’ and some people eat at 11 AM. Which is normal if you work ’farm hours’. Try arguing with your stomach, it always wins. We did another three hours worth of 'work' before taking our lunch break, at 4 PM! You know that you're working for Yankees, most Southerners eat supper around 5.

They took the train back to the station and let us out. The lines at the porta-potties weren't long, but the expressions of relief were priceless. We all chowed down, wondering what was next, since we were only four hours late, according to the shooting schedule. Which as shooting schedules go, really isn’t too bad.

Before we headed in for lunch, a near fatal mishap occurred. The Star and some of the crew were engaged in what could only be termed as 'screwing around'. Someone had decided that they should throw rocks at a telephone pole, while waiting for the next camera set-up. Virginia and I sat in the train and watched this event.

The train was stopped near a trestle over a road, which was about 40 feet below us. The telephone pole was on the other side of the road, probably a good two hundred feet away.

Now, I don't care who you are, even with a rocket arm and throwing a perfectly round stone, you're going to have a hard time making the distance, much less hitting the telephone pole. It was like watching schoolboys, egging each other on. Virginia shook her head in amazement. The schoolteacher in her was probably screaming to discipline them. I watched for a while, head turned to look out the window behind me. It didn't take too long to get bored with the whole thing. So, I missed the most exciting event of the day.

One of the couples, who were truly a couple, some young married kids who both got hired to be on the film, were sitting across the aisle from Virginia and I. They had wandered outside, then came back in. She had gone forward to the platform between the cars and was watching George Clooney as he threw rocks at the telephone pole. She came rushing back to where we sat.

"He just fell down! He nearly slid down the embankment!" she exclaimed as she hurried towards us and her husband.

I looked over at Virginia and then back to the newlywed. "Who fell down?"

"George Clooney! I can't believe I saw it! He climbed back up, stood up and pulled his pants down. He's wearing blue underwear!"

I gave Virginia a surprised look, when the newlywed exclaimed, "Look, you can see where he tore his pants."

She was pointing out the window behind me. I swiveled around to see George Clooney standing there, explaining to the producer what had happened. His pants were soiled and torn at the right thigh. I looked back at the newlywed.

"Did you get a photo of it?"

"What?"

"Did you get a picture! Do you know what a tabloid would pay for a photo of George Clooney dropping his pants on a movie set!"

She shook her head. She didn't have her cellphone out when it happened.

I dropped my head, shook it, then looked over at Virginia. "Another million dollar opportunity and me without a camera!" I could see the headlines in my head, ‘Clooney Moons Cast‘, ‘Clooney’s Undie Tips; On Monday, It‘s Blue Boxers‘, Clooney shows Choo-Choo Town His Good Side’, ‘Hey Baby, Have You Seen My Scar?’.

You don’t get chances like this everyday, more like once in a lifetime.

And me, without a camera!

YOU WANNA BE IN MOVIES, PART 8

To follow is a blog post written a couple of years ago. I’m posting it now to complete this series of posts. At the time, I didn’t know if the movie was going to be a hit or not. Like the vast majority, it wasn’t and posting about it faded as an interest for me.

When I left for Chattanooga to do the movie, I told people that I was going to a ‘job interview’, most people around here still don’t know that I worked as a ‘background extra’ on a feature film. It wasn’t the first time I had been in or worked on a film, since I used to be the Film Commissioner in Dayton, Ohio.

The experience was important, since it gave me insight on how the common man and woman reacts to being in or around ‘stars’ or people perceived to be of social importance or status. It’s fascinating to watch people modify their behavior, adapting to the circumstances of the moment. The star can act pretty funny, too.

On location in Chattanooga.

From breakfast, I went over to the wardrobe people. The men had been told to wear 'plain white dress shirt, dark dress pants, black or dark blue tie and lace up shoes'. They also wanted us to bring overcoats. This led to a quandary for me. In the past few decades, I've usually worn leather biker jackets, since that's the preferred gear when riding a motorcycle. When it came to business, I've got an almost antique trench coat to go over my business suit. Buried deep in the closet was something from out of the past, a cashmere overcoat. Hadn't worn it in years, but women love it.. .it's dark blue, didn't look or smell like it had died, so I took it with me. The only things I forgot was a scarf and gloves. No hat either, but they would fix me up in wardrobe. Like I would have a Fedora lying around the house. Cowboy hats, ball caps, watch caps, motorcycle helmets, an old ‘Civil Defense’ helmet, but no Fedora. I am so unstylish.

First thing the wardrobe folks did was take one look at the cashmere coat and pitch it. I was given some checked, beige-green wool thing, scarf, gloves and a hat. The gloves were a bit tight, as in too small. Not like I would need them, it was about 65 degrees on the set! It was going to be interesting, shooting a winter scene on an unusually warm spring day. It's the movies, they can fake the cold, right?

The tempo started to pick up around the set. Men were sent to their dressing room, which was a tent, as were the ladies. People were told to dispose of their cellphones, briefcases, unnecessary coats, etc. get ready to get on the train. It was already pushing towards 10 AM and we were about to lose our first background extra. One of the local wheeler-dealers was having a hard time getting separated from his cellphone. He was micro-managing his office from the set, got flustered, decided that they weren't going to shoot the movie on his timetable. So, he walked. Took his paperwork out of his briefcase, handed it to the casting agent, gave wardrobe back their clothes and headed for the office. Only thing he kept was his haircut. Now, he'll never be able to brag about being in a feature film. I'm sure his office workers are disappointed too. They probably would have enjoyed a day without his forced march attitude.

We all trooped out into the sunshine. Ladies transformed into wives, flappers and gun molls of the twenties, men looking like dissipated business men or flat-cap wearing college boys. We clustered around the tents, mugging and doing bad gangster imitations. Which may have led to the second loss from our ranks. One of the young ladies, flapper-type, evidently did a near swan-dive. Maybe she got too close to the Star as he moved through the area? It was a matter of conjecture for the rest of the day. She was immediately cared for by the medical crew, who insisted on hauling her to the hospital. You are not allowed to either faint or die on the set! Another poor soul with fame snatched from her grasp. The inhumanity of it all!

A production assistant came around and started the herding process, driving us like so many sheep, cattle, chattel? towards the train cars. We were picked over, sorted, graded and sent to our doom. Directed towards seats, shuffled, then moved again. I was pointed to a seat next to a window, a large 'X' on it. The train’s wooden benches faced each other. There were three other men sitting on the benches, we barely had time to introduce ourselves. Another PA came by and told us that the Star would come down the aisle, lean over and look out the window.

Since I was sitting next to the window, I nearly fell out of my seat. This meant that there was about a 50/50 chance that I would be in the shot with him!.

That's when another PA came by, told me to get up and move, I had the wrong type of hat, they wanted 'flat caps' in the seats. I was directed to another car. Here, they paired me with a lovely woman.

I was now ‘playing the part’ of a couple. Virginia didn't seem to mind that she had been stuck with me. We were placed in the center section of the train car, facing each other, both of us sitting next to the windows. The PA told us to fake conversation, lean towards each other, make hand gestures. The typical, "I'm interested in what you have to say" kind of stuff.

We did the, 'where you from, how did you get here' thing. After all, we were going to be on this train together for a few hours, might as well make it bearable. It went beyond that, it was great. Virginia loves motorcycles, traveling and movies. We talked about everything.

One of the PA's told us to be quiet and nodded towards the front of the train.
Suddenly, everyone in the train car got quiet. The Star had appeared. As director, writer and star of the movie, he wanted us to know exactly what we were going to be doing. At least, that's what I think he wanted to tell us.

As he talked, people around us looked over, shrugging, mouthing the words; "Can you hear him?"

I yelled "Speak up!" but he was almost done.

A PA gave me their version of a dirty look. I glanced around, nobody had understood a thing The Star had said, a trainload of blank faces.

Virginia shrugged, shook her head when I asked if she heard what the Star had said. Nope, it was all a mumble to me and everyone that I talked to later.

Perhaps he should do more stage work, learn to project his voice.

Filming was about to begin.

YOU WANNA BE IN MOVIES update

I know, I know. Made a comment earlier about how I don't like to leave any projects 'undone'.

This one's been dragging on now for, ummmm, almost 3 years. Yes, time flies when you're researching and writing a novel. My car caught on fire, twice, still haven't fixed the carbs...OK, there were some short stories in there, the three blogs, farm work and a screenplay, but you get the idea.

Then I took the last year 'off', went, as a lady friend calls it, "incommunicado'. Part of the experience/research for the now completed novel. Which means I didn't do much in the way of worrying about being on the Internet or doing the blogs. Yes, there are a couple of unpublished posts that will complete the YOU WANNA BE IN MOVIES series.

I can now say that the feature film I was human background scenery on can be classified as a bomb. It won't be remembered as a classic, at least that's what I've been told.

For the really surprising confession is...I've yet to see it.

I'm so far out in the sticks that the local movie house didn't show it. When it came out on DVD, I decided that it wasn't worth buying. The local library is so small that we haven't got a copy of it. NO, I'm not going to rent it either.

Why? Word from my fellow human scenery extras is that the scenes we were in showed great shots of the train. As for us? Well, I understand that there wasn't much to be seen of the extras.

Hey LOOK! My head as a pixel!

The Harder You Play, The More You Pay

Trying to start the month off right. Even if this will be a short (for me) post.

A couple of old items on the agenda, which I WILL take care of in the coming month.

The "You Wanna Be In Movies" Series will get wrapped up. Trying to break down the overly long post that is the one day of shooting on the feature film set. It was a long day, so it's a really long post.

My education into the ways of the blogosphere continue. It's a good thing for the Internet that people can make anonymous comments. If they couldn't, about 80-90% of all blogs would dry up and blow away. Anon commentators remind me of hecklers in a crowd. Always wanting to shout out some usually worthless dreck, but hey, not brave enough to get up on the stage and give their name. Don't even begin to lecture me about 'freedom of speech'. The people who believed in it were brave enough to sign their names to the document, when doing so could have meant their death. Yes, this could mean another blog.

The summer is officially over. Getting the farm ready for winter. Which seems to be coming on rapidly this year. An early winter would not be any surprise, but I would like to have a fall season for once. The past few years fall has lasted about two days and then the cold weather slammed down. That's relative of course. I don't have to deal with three feet of snow any more and when we get three inches of snow on the roads...they close the schools! All of you in the Great White North can go ahead and laugh now.

If you are one of the few people who read this blog, I can report that the pear tree was loaded with fruit this year. Some of the biggest pears I've ever seen. So far, I've got about a dozen five gallon buckets of pears off the tree. It was well worth getting up at 4AM to light a fire and keep the tree from icing up during a late freeze. Pear preserves are already on the shelf, right next to the red plum preserves. Need to get some apple trees planted down here. Pecans will be next, they're starting to fall.

Work, an appropriate topic for the day, considering that it's "Labor Day" in the U.S.A. The irony of which is that only rich people or those who have vacation days usually get to take the day off. OK, I know, most businesses are closed and everyone is having a barbecue, congratulating themselves on having a job.

One thing about national holidays in Europe which the US needs to look into copying. When they have a national holiday, they usually close everything. You can't go to the grocery store, mall, etc. Some restaurants will be open, but that's about it. Unfortunately, the trend has been for Europe to copy us. So now they are trying to work everyone, every day of the week, all year long. So much for enjoying life! Take some time out from the greed.

I will be spending more time on my writing in the coming months. It's not easy, but it certainly is much less stress and strain on my body.

During my life, I played hard, got the lumps, scars, broken bones and aches to prove it. All that fun comes with a bill. Which is not covered by medical insurance.

You can't appreciate pleasure, until you've tasted pain. Whether in your body or brain.

It's a comparison thing.

Not avoidable in life. See your doctor, if pain persists.

He'll write you a prescription.

Take as directed.

Schedules and How Not to Keep Them

I was doing fine. Everything planned out for this week.

Got up this morning and my arm let know that it was taking the day off. Nothing like an old injury to throw the day/week schedule out of whack.

Just spent the past two hours writing what I thought would be the final chapter? Episode? For the "You Wanna Be In Movies" series.

It's at 1800 words and a bit too long for a blog post. Especially since I'm only half-way through the day we spent on the movie set.

At this rate, I could break it down and make it into a TV series.

OK, maybe not a good idea, considering.

IF I work 22 hours each day, for the rest of the week, I'll be caught up to the first of the month.

Then I'll only be 9 days behind on my work.

Outrunning the Avalanche

This is like downhill skiing, in front of an avalanche.

The faster I go, the closer the towering wall of snow draws to me.

Have a couple of more posts to do on the "You Wanna Be In Movies" series. but who's making movies right now? Only the independents. Most of Hollywood is shut down due to the SAG/AMPTP fiasco.

Plenty of work to do on the farm. It's only hot as hell with humidity approaching sauna levels. Work for about an hour and I'm soaking wet. Great way to lose weigh.

Still, I love it! Think of all those hours I could be sitting in traffic out in LA or riding the subway and NOT writing...rather be writing than riding. Especially with the speed limits we have.

If we go back to 55MPH, I'm gonna have to fix my old VW Baja Bug. It's got a top speed of about 85MPH and it takes all day to get there.

I'll be back yet this week.

If I can stay away from Nikki Finke's blog.

You Wanna Be In Movies, Part Seven

It was still dark when I headed for the movie set. First workday of the week and people on the road, going to their daily toil. Old factories and some new scattered amongst them in the industrial section of Chattanooga. When I cruised up the hill past the gravel pit, you would have thought that there had been an accident.

Security had gone from minimal to maximum overnight. Police cars in the street, stopping everyone. I was checked in, told to park the car in a gravel lot about 300 yards from the set, pulled into the lot and directed to a specific spot by another security guard. Who then told me how to walk down to the set. With an implied, "Don't make any sudden moves, boy, we're watching you." You guys ever work at the airport?

It was frantic ant city on the set. A catering truck parked at the big tent, white-aproned workers unloading hot food and cold drinks. All this activity to make something that never happened appear to be real. Let's not get existential here.

I squeezed into the main tent, dodging crew and caterers to sign in, given another list of instructions, rules and regulations of the movie set. Speed read the laws of the land, while eyeing the food goodies laid out on the nearby tables. The crew was going at it, piling up plates of food and getting hot coffee, tea or chilled caffeine for the morning buzz. My stomach reminded me of my granola in a bag and lukewarm, non-iced tea breakfast at the motel.

I looked back at the fine print of the 'background extras' regulations. There it was, in all it's font and glory, sub-paragraph v, section 9: "The background extras shall starve and watch the cast and crew gorge themselves at the feast tables. There shall be no whining, sniveling or pandering for food. Groveling or other obtuse acts will be treated with disdain. Violators will be flogged and hounded from the set." Thus spake the rulebook.

I noticed that the politician had already worked the crowd and was standing next to one of the tables, trying to balance enough food to feed a third world country on one plate, while filling up a gallon coffee mug with the other. He spotted me watching him, so he YELLED; "Hey dude, come on over and get some of this, it's great!"

Looking around, I noticed that I was the only person in the area, he wasn't talking to the sea of chairs around me. You ever try to duck under one of those folding tables? Those damn extension arms that hold the legs up will hit you in the face every time. Nice welt though, with the imprint, "Made Somewhere Else" emblazoned on my face.

David, the generator man, train expert and Model T driver strode into the tent. He noticed me and came over to the table, "Hey, get something to eat. That's what it's there for. You're gonna have a long day and who knows when we'll stop for lunch."

My protests about the fine print were met with a shake of his head, "Forget it, this cast is so small, it doesn't make any difference. If we had about 400 people here, like we will next week, then they would enforce it. Come on."

He pivoted and headed towards the tables. I looked around at the rest of the background extras, none of whom had budged, more fine-print readers. They watched me closely, waiting to see if lightening would strike or I would be just dragged from the tent. I hadn't seen this much food in one place since coming over on the cruise ship from the old country.

As I loaded up my plate with food that is only available to movie stars, royalty and CEOs, I almost felt guilty. Almost doesn't count for shit. After all this little excursion was costing me money. It wasn't going to put anything into my bank account. In that respect, I figured that I could eat like a pig. The only problem was that I was too nervous and backed off, just eating stuff that wouldn't turn over in the old stomach. Heavy on the fruits, rolls and donuts, tea, a breakfast burrito, no hot sauce.

I had never had a burrito for breakfast, due to my long-standing strike against fast food restaurants and their contrived menus. Halfway through the burrito, I decided that it was a plot to upset the delicate balance of my stomach. Which is renown for it's cast iron ability to withstand rotgut tequila at 8AM, without the benefit of food. A real good reason to never start drinking, much less make it a lifelong habit.

When you wake up with a hangover, you want to do something to make it go away. Aspirin is so boring, just have another drink. After a few years, you'll wake up one day and go, "Damn, am I already 30? or am I 40?" Your entire youth will have passed you by in a blur. If you live that long.

The volume level in the tent flattened as the tension rose suddenly, people nodding towards one corner, some craning their necks to see.The Star had arrived and was doing the greeting the troops thing.

OK, we're fine with that. I respect the man. Got a screenplay parked in my briefcase, sitting right next to me. Come on over here....yes, he's moving this way. NO! Wait...damn, he goes back out the door? flap? opening? of the tent and into the cool, foggy morning.

This gets my hopes up, maybe the female lead will show up in the next few minutes. I ask around the table if anyone has seen her. I didn't come down to see The Star. I just want him to buy my screenplay or the rights to my book. Hire me to do rewrites.

Now, the leading lady, that's a different story. You can never appreciate the true beauty of a woman until you see her face to face. Even if she's about to slap you for that last comment.
So, where was she?

"She's not here." David informed me, between bites into his breakfast.
"What! What the hell are you talking about?" My feelings of betrayal were obvious.
"She's not here, he's the only one, besides a couple of others that came down from the other location."
"I didn't come down here to see a bunch of guys!" I grumbled.
"Yeah, well, that's how it is," he deadpanned, taking a sip of coffee to wash down his sausage biscuit.

Great, how are you supposed to charm a woman when you can't even meet her?

We Are Having FUN, yet...

Sure, I'm late, you're always on time, right?

The past few days leading up to this full moon tonight have been anything but dull.

Got to bed early Sunday, going to get up real early on Monday and get a good start to the week.

Which worked out OK, except that I overdid it out in the sun. I have a couple of projects that I want to paint this week, since the rains have stopped and the humidity is lower. I dehydrated myself and wound up going back to the house and working on a request for a writing project.

At about supper time, I decided that going to the store would be a good idea. Get all the necessary things, be able to stay at the farm for the rest of the week and just work. Did the mad dash into town, got most of the things that I needed to sustain life on this planet and came home. Pretty exciting, huh?

Read a few pages of "Guns, Germs and Steel" by Jared Diamond. Award winning book, but I've had problems with reading it through. I'll get to that in a later post. Decided to hit the hay earlier than usual and get a really good start on Tuesday.

A couple of ticks found their way into my bed and latched onto me. Let's say that they chose a very intimate part of my anatomy to drill into. The pain woke me up abruptly, just after midnight. Being half asleep, I immediately itched the area and made things worse.

I've had to deal with more ticks, chiggers, fleas, spiders and snakes down here in the past few years than I've seen in all my life, prior to moving here. It almost makes me want to move back to the city. Then I talk with friends of mine who live on farms in other locales and they don't have half the problem that we have around here. I'm convinced it's living in the swampy bottoms of this area.

Since these two ticks had attached themselves on the inside of my thigh, right next to those private parts every man considers to be his jewels, I immediately dug out the first aid stuff. Then spent the next two hours cleaning, disinfecting and taking all the preventive measures that can be taken at home. Most of you out there would go to the doctor or run to the hospital. That's your option, it's not for me. I won't go into how to take care of a tick bite, you can find plenty of info about that on the web. It's the way it heals that's important.

I stayed up until almost 5AM, put hydrogen peroxide on the bites and working on writing, doing research on the Internet. Until I wasn't able to keep going and finally had to head for bed and a nap. No more dogs in the house after this incident.

Tuesday? Tuesday was such a fiasco that it's not even going to be written about. Let's just say that every woman I talked to, it didn't go well. I even managed to make some people mad using email. I stayed at the house and worked on my writing, including the now later than usual next installment for the "You Wanna Be In Movies" series.

Even when I write, I still want more time to write more.

No matter what, I'm going to walking funny for the next couple of days.

I wonder if anyone buys ticks on eBay?

I could make a fortune.